As I quietly walk out of the door leaving her with strangers, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Three days since I joined back at work and M started going to crèche. Three days and in these 72 hours, I must have weighed the pros and cons of being a working mother at least zillion times. No, gazillion times! Not only that, I've also asked myself if I'll be able to handle both. Am I enough for the challenge that lies ahead? Am I really enough?
If the past 3 days are any indication of the times that lay ahead then it is not going to be easy in any way. I'm already feeling the pressure. Every part of by body is aching, I'm exhausted and I feel like I'm going to collapse at any moment. But that's just the physical aspect of things.
Emotionally too it's taxing and extremely painful to leave a part of you, a part you love the most, a part you want to keep safe from everything bad in this world, in the care of strangers. Professionals, yes, but still strangers. Hence, as I look towards life as a working mother, I wonder again and again if I'll be able to do it. If I'm enough.
And as if self-doubt wasn't the only thing tugging at my heart, people around don't make it easier either. Not family, mind you. It's the others. Every step you take as a mother is scrutinised minutely. If you put your left feet forward, they'll judge you for not using your right. If you feed your baby banana, they'll judge you for not feeding her Kiwi. If you give her biscuits, they'll judge you for not using everything organic. You are doomed no matter what you do. So, imagine the stares and innuendos when you put your seven-month-old in the crèche. So, it brings me to that place all over again. Will I be able to handle both my daughter and work? Will what I am, be enough?
I don't have a clear answer, though, not by far. I just hear echoes in response to my doubts. Echoes of my past. Echoes of things I had done and faced. Echoes in a voice not so unfamiliar saying yes I'm enough.
Emotionally too it's taxing and extremely painful to leave a part of you, a part you love the most, a part you want to keep safe from everything bad in this world, in the care of strangers.
One of the things about being a mother is that you become this ticking time bomb emotionally, ready to explode at every instant. And that makes things more difficult occasionally.
I always wanted to continue working even after having a child. I still do. Before the very first day I left her at the crèche, I hardly had any doubts about it. I always knew I would be able to do it. In fact, I'm still sure that this is what I need to do, somewhere deep down. But now, every time I turn away from her, I ask myself if I'm really sure about this. That walk from the crèche to my office is one of the toughest and I do it at least two times a day. And then I wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew. If I'm capable of being a working mother and not failing in it. If I'm enough. If my resolve, thinking, and views are enough to sail me through.
What if I fail miserably at both?
It's a never-ending conflict, confusion. Her happiness. My happiness. Her future. My future. Our future. And also not so much of a conflict, at the same time. But every time I walk out of the crèche, self-doubt encompasses me.
Deep down I know it'll be alright. So many women juggle work and their personal lives. I'll be able to do it too. I fought fire once, the fire which wanted to engulf me. I was brave then I can be brave now. But that snarky guilt raises it's head and makes me feel horrible inside. Well, nobody said motherhood would be easy, right?
I want to scream at the top of my voice saying I shouldn't worry, that I'm enough. But a tiny squeaky voice stops me. It overpowers that familiar voice of reassurance. Hence, I just want to drown out that pesky sound of self-doubt one way or the other.
I want to keep saying that I'm enough and I'll be able to handle it, till I start believing in it completely.
Maybe, one day soon enough!
Labels: MommyTalks, Motherhood, Relationships