I had been trying to put her to sleep. Walking, singing and rocking her. But to no avail. Fifteen minutes. Twenty minutes. Forty minutes. One hour and still no sleep in her eyes. I couldn't keep her on the bed or the crib either because she just wouldn't stay there. One of those days when she was restless hence I became restless. Then my restlessness kept on increasing hers. A ripple effect. Cranky baby to a cranky mom and all the way around it went.
Tired. No, completely exhausted and out of my last drop of patience, I finally put her on the bed and started crying. She was too. For a moment there, I just felt blank and lost. A deep sense of helplessness engulfed me and I felt like there was nothing more left in my life anymore.
Her cries shook me from my momentary reverie and I looked at her scared face. God, I loved her more than I have anyone in my life. And I let my frustration take over me. My child just wanted to be wrapped in my arms on a day when she was not completely comfortable. My child. My small baby just wanted me and I phased out. Lost my grip on things.
The very next moment I picked her up, pushed my fears to the side and caressed her, hugged her the best I could. She fell asleep soon thereafter. But it also left me with these questions staring straight at my face. Again.
Will I be a good mother?Am I a good mother? Will my need to be ME stop me from being the best mother I possibly can to my child?Is love for my baby enough to be a good mother?What about patience and complete selflessness?
The answers didn't come easily though and left me depressed and confused about my life ahead as an individual.
In fact, I'm still looking for these answers.
Motherhood ain't easy, I tell you this. It's hard as hard can be and you are never off duty. As a mother, as a parent, you need to always be ready for the next thing your baby, you child, needs.
I had this fear of the kind of mother I would be even during my pregnancy. Honestly, my impatience is one of the reasons why this doubt often crept up, then and even now.
There are days when I'm bitter because everyone else's life seems unchanged while mine seems to have turned completely upside down. It's not fair but that's how it is. For me and for all the mothers out there.
Sometimes I feel angry too. But at whom, I don't know?
There are days when it's relevantly easy too. Most days are actually like that. Easy, manageable and I can still to do the things I want to. But then there are days when I don't find any time whatsoever. And then I move into a spiral of
self-pity where I feel angry for not being able to be carefree anymore. And that's when this question pops up in my mind like a venomous snake raising
Will I be a good mother? Will I?
Labels: MommyTalks, Motherhood, Relationships