I have lost the will to clean!
This is the thought that crept up on me this Thursday morning as I stood in front of the bureau, the dusting cloth in my hand. Yes, I just stood there, clueless, wondering what the whole point was behind dusting. I mean, the dust is just going to be back again. So, what was the point really? Who was I kidding?
And the next thing I know, the cloth went back to where it was picked up from and I went back to brewing a cup of tea, staring at the mundane kitchen tiles the whole time.
If you knew me, then this, my friend, would be what you’d call an emergency. Yes, I could postpone having tea but dusting every morning is what I follow religiously, day after day, every day. No, I’m not saying my house is Monica clean, but I try. It’s just my cleansing ritual to start a new day but on that day, I somehow seemed to have lost the will to do even that.
Not all days are equal but like all days, they too pass.
A few minutes later, I found myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. The disheveled hair as disheveled as any other day. So, at least, that was normal. Then what was it that was out of place? Was it my eyes? Two black holes now remained where they once used to be. But, that was also not it. I had seen these before too what with the habit of reading way past bedtime ever since my pigtail days. And then it struck me. It was the woman staring back at me. A woman who had nowhere to go, who had to spend the whole day at home.
Being at home sometimes makes me feel like I have no purpose even though I know that’s not true.
It has been over four months now that I have been at home. And it is going to be another three before I join back work. Now, I know how important and precious these months are. And to be frank, I’m enjoying too, this new phase, being with M and discovering shades of myself which I never knew existed. But there are days when I just want to go out, maybe belong to a team like I used to, work on something. Never knew I’d say this but I miss going to the office. I miss those crappy projects, those boring status calls and even some of those sermonizing higher-ups. Yes, I do.
I think I always knew at the back of my mind that these seven months of maternity leave are going to be tough on me. Yes, I knew this from the last three-month-long break I had taken from work while in Germany. Maybe that’s the reason I have kept myself busy every moment of every day since I got back with M from the hospital. If not taking care of M or something related to her, then I have been busy writing or reading. Not a day has gone by when I have not done either or both.
But this past week, I have found it rather hard to focus. That strong desire to not let myself whirl away my days without at least doing something that I love has been waning. I think I have been trying so hard to avoid this feeling of missing work that it has just increased manifolds. And on Thursday, it just blew all over my face.
There are those days when I just feel like a rudderless boat, useless and not needed at all.
Now, I don’t know if this is boredom or just the metaphorical walls creeping up on me. But it’s tough. On one hand, I don’t want to have to leave M alone while on the other I cannot wait to go back to work. Some dilemma, right?
Sometimes, I wonder how mom did it. Didn’t she get bored being at home whole day taking care of us? I know she found her release in painting, artwork and reading. It’s not to say that every day of the past 4 months has been tough on me. Not really. But there are those days when I just feel like a rudderless boat, useless and not needed at all. Which is not true at all. If anything this is all just an over-reaction but it still doesn’t mean I don’t feel it sometimes.
I think it’s about habit. I have been so used to going out for work for the past 8 years that it now gets suffocating to be at home for an extended period of time. I think what I need is a day out to get my bearings right. Going back to work is anyways something that is bound to happen in June until then short breaks should do it.
In fact, on seeing me so restless, S suggested I go out with my sister. Shop, watch a movie, eat and basically spend the day outside the four walls to remedy this mental frame that I was in. And then he literally pushed me out of the house on Saturday while he took care of M all by himself.
Did it work?
Well, I think it did, to some extent. It's another thing that I ended up spending so much on shopping. I shouldn't be left in shopping malls unsupervised! But I digress.
I think being at home got to me and a few hours outside did me some good.
Did I get back my cleaning mojo?
Well, I guess not yet but let's give it some time.
But, mothers reading this, share your story with me? Am I normal to have felt, and maybe still feel, what I just described?
Labels: MommyTalks, Motherhood, Random