You might have planned for it, even chosen the right time for it but can I tell you something? When it actually happens, you’ll still feel totally under-prepared. Yes, under-prepared, scared and nervous too. A positive on a pregnancy test can do that to you.
It was around this time last year when we found out that I was expecting. We found out that in a few months time, a part of ourselves would start living outside of us. We found out that in 9 months time we would be holding a new life in our hands, a life more precious to us than our own.
It was a happy, happy news no doubt. But the joy brought along with it lots and lots of questions and doubts. The news left me apprehensive and worried even though I was expecting it to happen. Though I knew I was ready to be a mother, I don’t think I really was. I don’t think anyone can really be ready. You can start wanting to be a mother but there isn’t really a particular point or milestone where you can say you are ready. But that’s just what I think.
Parenthood isn’t easy and the change is too huge to be contained in a few words.
Choosing to become parents is a huge step for a couple. And honestly, I was worried what would happen to what S and I have. I cannot even begin to tell you the kind of doubts that surfaced.
- Would we still love each other as much?
- Would we still get to spend time with each other?
- What would happen to our life as a couple?
- Would we stop enjoying each others company?
- Would our child take up all our time, leaving nothing for us?
- Would we still binge watch serials and movies together?
- Would we still get to eat out together in different restaurants, something we love doing?
- Would we become like those couples who drift apart after having babies?
- Would we just become two individuals living under the same roof and stop sharing a life?
- What if he loves our child more than me? (It's insane, I know, but at that point this worried me)
I know, I sound silly to you, don’t I? You might even think why did I even decide to be a mother if I had so many doubts. Well, you are not the first one. Trust me, this thought often crossed my mind too.
What am I doing? I often found myself asking the same question to the reflection in the mirror.
But as I type this post, in between changing nappies, feeding and playing with this almost 4-month-old munchkin, I realize I shouldn’t have been so scared after all. If anything, S and I have grown even closer after M’s birth. If we were finishing each others sentences earlier, now we don’t even have to say anything.
Of course, S always knew we would be fine. If it wasn’t for him, I would probably have lost my mind over-thinking the whole thing. But still parenthood isn’t easy and the change is too huge to be contained in a few words.
I still say that you don’t have to become parents if you don’t want to. But if you do, trust me it’s going to be very difficult. Your activities will revolve around that little munchkin. And you will probably be exhausted, annoyed and even irritated more than you used to be earlier. There will be days when even a moment’s rest will elude you. And this is only based on about 4 months of experience.
If parenting was easy, our parents would never have had those lines on their forehead, would they? So, yes this step will be life changing. There will be more responsibilities and a holiday will never really be a holiday for the first few years. But if the rapport between your partner and you is real, this change will only bring you closer.
For us this change has been overwhelming in a beautiful way. We have these moments when we just sit together after tucking M in every night. I read a book and he plays clash of clans (That this game annoys me is a different story altogether) or, we just talk about life. I don’t think we have ever been closer before. We now have a daughter to dote on and we love doing it. We plan for our future, we talk about the things we want to do as individuals, as a couple, and for M too. I'm not saying we have suddenly become this perfect couple. Not at all. We still have our fights, arguments and disagreements. So, that's another thing that hasn't changed. But we are happy. Yes, that's the word.
The fear we had that we would have to stop living our lives and just stop at being parents was unwarranted. We are still very much living our lives. Our schedules have just gotten a little more jam-packed than they used to be. Our movies have more breaks than usual and our dinner is, at times, done in sprints, but we still manage to do everything which we did together earlier. We are still a couple, a couple who happen to be parents too.
So, before you go, tell me if you had the same fears? Or, am I the only weird one out here?