It Does(not) Matter..

Some days your thoughts just wander off to unchartered territories, don’t they? Taking abrupt turns; turns best avoided. Questioning, meandering perilously, tearing into everything you know and believe in. The same thing happened last night.

Now, I never, well almost never, go to bed without reading a few pages. It was during that nightly ritual that I came across a very hard hitting quote, to my surprise in a thriller. It, quite frankly, rattled me a little, sending me on one of those trips where questioning everything is the only way out. It was something about how insignificant our lifespan of 70 or 80 odd years was in front of the 13.772 billion years, and counting, of the universe. Basically no point worrying about anything for eventually it’s all about ending up in ashes or in a name written in some tombstone somewhere.

Imagine reading this just before going off to bed for the day. Add to that a steady pattern of mood swings, basically downward spirals, for the past two to three days. What do you get? Well, one very, very perturbed me I should say.

It made me feel irrelevant, made everything feel irrelevant actually. What does it matter if I get to strike Italy off my must-visit list? What does it matter if that ailment is treated or not? What does it matter if I take the next step in life or not? What does it matter if I love or hate? What does it matter if I worry? What does it matter if I step out of or stay in the bed? Ultimately, in the bigger scheme of things nothing I do matters, does it?

“How good is it to remember one's insignificance: that of a man among billions of men, of an animal amid billions of animals; and one's abode, the earth, a little grain of sand in comparison with Sirius and others, and one's life span in comparison with billions on billions of ages. There is only one significance, you are a worker. The assignment is inscribed in your reason and heart and expressed clearly and comprehensibly by the best among the beings similar to you. The reward for doing the assignment is immediately within you. But what the significance of the assignment is or of its completion, that you are not given to know, nor do you need to know it. It is good enough as it is. What else could you desire?” ― Leo Tolstoy

I cannot tell you how glum I felt as my thoughts went on this almost involuntary spiral. Worst part was I couldn’t even stop it. It kept touching one aspect of my life after the other. It was like being sucked into a vortex while the world around me collapsed. Perhaps this is what people mean when they say they felt hollow. I knew what I was doing, overthinking what else, but my thoughts seemed to be on autopilot. It kept knocking off one thing after the other, something like being in the way of a twister? Or, drowning, being sucked into a whirlpool. I still have the bitter aftertaste of what I felt last night. And it’s not at all good.

So, here I am writing all of it down. Putting it out there for you to read and tell me that I’m just overreacting. Yes, because it matters what I do. It matters to people who love and care for me. My life matters.

“The will to matter is at least as important as the will to believe.” ― Rebecca Goldstein

Truth be told, I don’t think that passage in the book was even the trigger. I think it was the fear of a big impending change in life which was yesterday’s subtext really. Don’t ask me what it is please. I’ll share when I’m ready. Until then all I can say is that I’m really, really apprehensive about a lot of things. I know everything is fine and will be fine but somewhere doubts linger. And questions of what’s the point of everything crop up.

“Each of us has a significant place in the tapestry of the world's story. The Creator, created it so. When we are misplaced or displaced from our singular significance—from fear, lack of integrity, playing small—the entire world is deficient. Each human being's expressive contribution is essential and impactful—including yours. So, Shine!” ― LaShaun Middlebrooks Collier

Anyways, so where was I? Yes, my life matters. It matters that I write because that makes me happy. It matters that my wishes are fulfilled. It matters that I desire to live well and indeed live well. It matters when I love, hate and worry. It matters that I build a home, a family and a journey. Everything matters and even that name on the tomb stone matters because it tells a story. It matters because in my heart I know it does. However trivial, it still does!

What do you think? Share what you think please for I’d love to read. One can’t get enough positive affirmations and I know we all need some.

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