Fear of something or someone is a reality of life. Some people say they fear nothing. But to tell you the truth I don't believe them. Fear is always present, a semblance of it is always there in some form or the other. Sometimes it's the fear of being a failure or of disappointing someone. While at times it's about the heart, the fear of choosing the wrong person or of losing someone. Then there are those all time fears, of heights, water or the dark. But I think maybe a certain amount of fear is good. What do you say? Not too much though but just the right amount to nudge you towards overcoming it. But there are also those which you can certainly do without. Those paralyzing ones which I and even you as women feel often, which we might not show but think about every now and then. Those you could definitely do without.
If you ask me what do I fear most, you and I would be here for a long, long time. So I guess it's best that I talk about one.
As a child, whom do you look up to? Your parents. As a child you know nothing in this world can hurt you. Why? Again because you have your parents with you. They are your pillars of strength, they are your superheros. And superheros don't grow old or get sick, right? Oh but they do and that's when you realize that the fear which you had so meticulously packed away in a can, stuffed in a box in your mind's attic has finally escaped. Suddenly you find yourself standing in the middle of thousands of unknown faces in a place where all the curtains are green and blue. You know there is a cacophony of noise but all you can hear is your heart beat, almost as if it's ready to jump out of that body of yours. Because those caring hands which have been guiding, caring and protecting you all through your life have fallen sick. Nothing makes sense, you feel shaken to your foundation. And that's when you are surrounded by one of the worst kind of fears ever.
This year I found myself there. Mom and Dad, they were both sick. I was there at the hospital with them. Scary doesn't even begin to describe the feeling. All I wanted to do was cry, my legs felt shaky and tears seemed eager to escape. But I couldn't. Whether it was Dad or Mom's biopsy, Mom's operations, those series of tests or the nights at the hospitals, I was petrified of them all. But I couldn't let them down, I just couldn't. So I went through each of the motions like they had done all through my life and still do. So I didn't cry, not in front of them at least. I kept it all hidden, put on a brave face. There was the risk that it could all blow up on my face. But was there any other way? No.
It was only during the lone walks to the pharmacy or canteen that I let my fears engulf me. I took the stairs instead of the lift because I wanted to be alone with it. Sometimes I stood in the stairwell and cried. I know it wasn't wise but that helped. There were those occasional stares but then after all it was a hospital so people let it pass. I wanted to deal with it myself, and I did for most part of it.
The risk of something going wrong was always there and that was far greater than the risk of losing my sanity. I feared, still fear, losing them both so I gave it my all. I stood guard. Of-course, not much was in my hands. But I did whatever I could. I looked fear in its eyes and vowed not to wince even a little in front of my parents. The ordeal lasted for over 3 months and I kept it all bottled up. You know they say it's not good to hold everything inside you, it causes more pain. But that was how I dealt with it. Not once did I let my shield down and I can say in a way I did rise above this fear. And I will every time I'm needed to.
I think the strength to overcome fears is always there. All you need to do is look. You need to face it, let it take over you, lure it out of hiding so that you can hold it by the neck and kick it out of your home, your heart. I did the same and I'm sure I'll repeat it again.