When someone asks me about my take on friendship
my mind goes through an instant recap. Someone says friendship and I phase out. You know a bit like in movies where flashbacks come and go in black and white hues. I see the first day of school, the day when I had first met my best friend R
. Then fast forwarded to a couple of years later I see myself with her again. A few other faces flash by but it is only R
who seems to be a constant in my life when it comes to friendship. Her face is one that makes me happy. But there is another face there too, that of a very dear friend, or at least who was very dear once in my life. Let’s call her T
. With her face come the good and bad memories as if opening the flood gates, instantly filling my heart with hurt more than anything else.
I think some people are destined to have many friends, many good friends. My sister does. But I surely am not one of those. I don’t bite, you know? But somehow I don’t have many good friends. There are only a few people apart from my family whom I can count as my confidants. R is certainly on top of that list. And then come M and B whom I had first met in junior college. Of-course, I’m only in touch with the latter two through social media but I’m sure if we met it would be the same again.
You know a lot of friends that people make in their lifetime are from their graduation days. I must admit I have no such friend to show from that chapter of my life. Only acquaintances. I mean I did have a bunch of buddies at that point in time but then something happened. They all left me one by one. Why and how. Well these are questions that I often introspect on. All I can say is between T and
I, they took T’s
side, leaving my companionship. I wouldn't say I didn't do anything wrong. I must have done something. But their deserting me altogether was wrong too. You don’t pick between friends that much I know. If they couldn't accept me the way I was then I guess it was a good thing that they left me. Well, I did try to take a few steps towards them once college was over but there is only so much one can do no? With T
I had one of the most turbulent relationships in my life. Can you imagine friendship being violent? Well, being with T
taught me that it could very well be so. I don’t think I have cried and been disturbed as much in my life as I have been in those 4 years of graduation when I was closest to her. She is not a bad person at all. In fact she was and still is, I’m sure, a great person. But I guess our friendship was not meant to be. So all I have to show for friendship from my graduation years is a clean slate. And honestly I have stopped caring now.
When I began working I formed rapports with M, P and S,
three friends who are now in different parts of the world. But even today we manage to rake up a storm even if only on a Whats App Group. It’s not bad, is it? At least not after considering how difficult it is to form strong bonds in the grown up world.
So there I can just count my good friends on my hand. They are only so many in number. But it’s not so bad. I still have many acquaintances. And then there are S’s and my sister’s friends with whom I always have a great time.
Nonetheless I wish I was still friends with T
but I also know that I can’t take any more hurt, not in the name of friendship at-least. I’m happy with the small circle that I have. And because I don’t have many friends I think I find it easier to adjust to a new place where I have to be alone. And quite frankly I would chose being alone any day over a friend who brings sadness and mental stress along.
I would have loved to have a group as in F.R.I.E.N.D.S but we can’t have it all, can we? So I’m happy with those few jewels that I can show off. I don’t need the entire sky just a few stars are enough for me. I have stopped needing friends because then there is the possibility of me getting hurt again which I certainly do not want anymore. Moreover, I have R
with whom I’ve been friends for most of my life. Many don’t even have that right?
So as bad as it sounds friendship for me is not really a necessity in life. I can live without friends; four years of college has at least taught me that, if not anything else. But that is just my personal opinion. You tell me what is your take on friendship?